waca waca waca?

I got pretend mugged this morning. Pretend mugged. You get that? Someone violated my personal space, threatened me with physical violence and demanded my money -- but they "was just playin'," so it's all good. Hilarious, *sshole.

It's 8:40 am, I'm coming up on 16th St on T. I'm gabbing away to my mom about how yoga is the new "not having a TV" when this guy a few feet away starts walking towards me and saying something I can't understand.

"Great, another drug-addled mind," I'm thinking. "This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs."

More jibberish. I'm not understanding him -- I'm a little distracted:

"Jesus, this man only has two teeth!! Oh, that is unfortunate. And disgusting. How does that come to be? And how the devil does he eat?"

Outwardly: "Excuse me?"

"B*tch, give me all your money before I slap the sh*t out of you!" He starts walking directly at me, faster than before, raising his right arm above his head as if to hit me.

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing at this point. I just remember staring at this toothless man thinking "Tuesdays are the worst. God, seriously, how do you live with only your incisors? This guy probably lives on milkshakes and apple sauce singles. Less crack, more flossing, dude."

"Aaaaaaaaaah, I'm just playin'!" he says, breaking out into laughter. At this point I notice his girlfriend a few feet away; her teeth are also bad, she may/may not be homeless. She's laughing hysterically. He's laughing hysterically. Everyone is laughing hysterically. Except me. Maybe it's the stick up my *ss, but I don't think threatening strangers with physical violence is all that funny.

"DUDE! List of things that are not funny!" I yell at him angrily and return to my phone conversation with my mother.

Mom: "What's going on, did someone throw a tomato at you?"

...

I can't even begin to consider the reasons she might have heard an altercation on my end of the line and thought that someone threw a tomato at me. Frankly, I don't want to. It's disturbing.

At least as disturbing as someone pretending to mug me. What's the joke there?

Hi, I'd like to play off existing racial and socioeconomic stereotypes, make light of physical violence and street crime, and scare the sh*t out of you first thing in the morning!

Right, well, with all due respect, sir, I'd like you not to.